Thursday, March 8, 2018

The Lake Years. Final Part

The Lake Years Final part.
I finally was free of the spell he had on my life. I felt free of him and his contempt of my illness and fluctuating weight. I knew that I would gain and lose depending on what meds and what kind of movement I could do. I was not well and I wasn't going to be.
I was always going to have an autoimmune disorder and that was not going away. He could not take being alone and went on dating sites.I stayed strong and would not admit him back into my life but it wasn't easy. He was charming and he was manipulative. I was always used to obeying men. That started with my father but I had ended that now.
He told me of his conquest when he would try and come visit me, instead of our child. He finally landed a 28 year old woman overseas and he went to visit her. He left her pregnant and he came back to the states. She gave birth in 2009 and he died in 2011, never having seen his newborn son. God keep them and God saved them because that is the best thing that could have ever happened in their young lives was not to have him in it, but I think of them often.
It took them some months to notify us when he died. He was homeless, living in a storage locker and working in construction or surveying. I am not sure what but they told us that he died working in a hotel room and wasn't discovered until the end of the day. When my daughter phoned to tell me, I cried for him and felt guilt. Thinking that if I had only stayed with him and made sure he had his blood pressure medicine, he may have lived. I would always love him, whether it was a toxic love or not. I just loved him.
I missed the company of men and felt that I was well enough to begin dating so I joined a dating site. Now this was a whole new game. I had not dated in so many years that I did not realize that dating had changed and what I felt was dating was not. I had married anyone that i felt like being intimate with, but today's world did not care if you were married or not. It was and we are a hedonistic society. Instant gratification and I was a fish out of water so I talked a lot. lol No surprise there. I talked to people for sometimes 3 or 4 weeks before I said, ok, we can meet. Bear in mind that all of these next dates were real and not doctored up to be funny. It was real life. lol
I knew enough to meet a man at a public place but I had to learn all of the other signs. The first guy I talked with and thought I was meet was a writer, in the medical field and was older than I was. So we met and since I am observant as a Nurse, I noticed a tan line where a wedding ring would go and after a few minutes, I plainly asked him if he was married and to his credit he told me the truth , that he was. That was when I knew that online dating was not going to be easy. I told him goodbye and went back to talking.
I spoke with my daughter about all the younger men that wanted
to date me and she said, "they may not be looking for anything but a one time get together." and I realized that she meant a Mrs Robinson experience. Oh lord, I was out of my element but thought I would try again.
My next choice was a guy that I agreed to have dinner with. We arrived at the place to eat about the same time and I ordered my favorite, which is chicken and in a few moments I was gagging over my food. This guy was doing things to his chicken that no one should be privy too. Guys, it is not sexy to lick chicken in front of a date. It was embarrassing and no, it did not make me feel amorous toward you. I call this guy, "chicken licker". Needless to say that date ended quickly.
I spoke with my daughter again and she said, "well, maybe someone older." So we sat down together and picked out an older man for me. I thought someone older would not be playing the online games or so I hoped. We agreed to meet at a local flea market as we both liked old things. This is where I will share that people that put photos on their online profiles ain't necessarily using a recent picture. This guy was off by ten years. I was 55. His profile said he was 65 and he was closer to pushing 80. I arrived early so I could see who was arriving for me and I tell you, I thought this guy was going to need mouth to mouth to make it across the parking lot. He was older, out of breath and needed Oxygen before he took a few steps toward me. But I had been taught that you respected your elders and thought if this guy passes out before he could get his walker across the lot, I would slip into Nurse mode and save him if I could. LOL
The dates continued. They were too young. They were too old, They lied. They wanted something I was unable to give them. I was not saving people anymore. I was taking care of myself. I talked to so many interesting people but did not meet many of them.
I dated a total of 13 men over a 6 month period. I learned so much about dating. I learned to let someone know where you are and have them call you in one hour. That way you have an out if you want to leave. You meet in a public place for coffee only, no meals on a first date. You take your own vehicle. I went during the day time so as not to be out in the dark in a place I may not have been too before.
I met some interesting men over that time. I receive 4 proposals because people were looking for love and I was looking for conversation. I just wanted to talk and I was in the wrong place for that so after 6 months I gave up on dating and decided that I did not need anyone in my life anymore. I had been married almost all of my life and now I wanted time for me, my children and grandchildren.
My vagabond years began then as my daughters neighbors reported me to the county for living in an RV full time and I had to move out of my little bungalow. I could only stay in it 3 months out of the year and just that fast, the dream home that my daughter had built by the lake for the sole purpose of making sure I had a place to live ended. She stayed there long enough for her brother to graduate and then she gave up her new home after 3 years and moved into a rental.
We went with her and I tried to walk again. God showed me so many lessons during this time. I was growing and learning and seeing what he was trying to tell me. I stayed there until I started thinking of going home to visit my sister in 2010. I was considering moving back to the town I had left 40 years ago and was excited by the prospect. I was still involved in an appeal for my disability. It had been denied 3 times and I was told that 3 times was the kiss of death and you will not get it, but I was praying and they contacted me to tell me mine was going to be reviewed one more time. I had hired a lawyer and I needed the disability I paid in so desperately.
The Social Security Department is not there to give you any money you may have paid in while working all your life. if you per chance become too ill to work, don't count on that money you pay in for disability to be there when you need it. I was denied 3 times and each year that went by, diminished what I would get if it was approved.
By some miracle, I found out that I was entitled to Widowers benefits and I applied for them and in no time, I had 500 dollars a month. More than I had had for 5 years of not working but not enough to have my own place. I still had to rely on others to care for me and some of them let me know it. It was demeaning and hurtful but there was no place for me.
I kept moving around. Eight times in as many years. A few months here. A few months there. I applied for food stamps. I was hungry at times before food stamps and had a wonderful friend send me money and buy things from me. Thank God for her, I was able to eat. I finally moved into an apt after having to leave yet another place. and kept selling while my son finished trade school.
That was fun to have a place to call my own again. You never realize how much you might miss having a place to call your own, until you don't have it. I was so grateful to all those that helped me over those years. I kept seeking God's guidance for where I belonged. I worked in the home when I lived with people and sold things to provide some money so that I did not feel like a free loader. I faced homelessness twice and was terrified. I considered trying to go back to work but was told if I did anything I would have to start the disability process all over again. i was stuck in a nightmare of sickness, without treatment and no place to call my own.
I finally called my daughter and daughter in law and asked if I could come live with them. It took a little bit for them to say ok. It was a huge thing to consider. They were newly married and who wants their mother in law to move in? LOL. But they said yes and then my life changed. It became stable for the first time in 8 years.
I got my disability in 2014 and got a tiny back pay. With that we were able to look for a home so they could quit renting and I could have a place to live. I had been given a death sentence in 2014 of a couple of years but I am still here, still fighting, still loving life.
I just had my labs done recently and they were the best they have ever been. I think because my girls take such good care of me.
I have two rooms, am surrounded my the things I love and can isolate when I am in a flare and can see people when I am not. My illness progressed to where I can not walk well for very far. I used a walker for two years but can now walk short distances, Thank God.
It has been a journey. For 4 1/2 years I have had my needs met and most of my wants met. I am giving it back when I can because so many people reached out to let me stay a few months with them out of the goodness of their hearts.
I hope that I was not a burden. I hope that I gave and was gracious in your gift to me. I ask forgiveness if my pain overwhelmed me and It affected my life or yours.
It has been 13 years now since I became ill. My children are grown and doing well. If the Lord calls me home now, I could go with a smile. My job is done and all is well.
I did tell my daughter in law that instead of the two years I was expected to live, my labs and lungs were so good that I may live to be a hundred. She just groaned and hugged me. God love her.
I have left instructions that I am to be cremated and my ashes spread on water. I told my daughter in law that the toilet does not count. We laughed together. I may not be with them all my life but I am grateful that they don't mind how long I stay.
God love my family and friends for walking with me and helping me be better than I would have ever been without all of you. Thank you all for reaching out to me. Thank you for listening to me ramble. Thank you for all the love you send to me everyday.
Always, Kimmee
( my Amber doesn't panic anymore when I pick up a box because we have been in one place for so long that she feels like home)

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