The Holidays And My Mom

 The holidays always bring up feelings that I had as a child. I didn't have a Mom at home. She left when I was 18 months old. She would come and go, but she couldn't stay,  because daddy beat the crap out of her. She would have been a statistic if she had stayed. 

I didn't have understanding of that as a child. I just felt abandoned. 

I didn't have a parent to tell about school.  No milk and cookies waiting for me. No one to talk with about my period at 10. I sat in the bathroom alone, waiting to die. 

Daddy came home later,  but I never said anything to him. I stopped bleeding and figured I was going to live. 

The next year we had health class and I learned what was happening to me. I stopped using torn up rags and asked daddy for kotex money. He was silent but handed me the money. 

I was mortified the first time I bought them. The store owner handed me a paper bag and I put the pads in it. He looked inside the bag, took the money and that 1st hurdle was done.

So many times I wanted a Mom. I couldn’t share my boyfriends, my first baby or my divorces. 

The abandonment manifested in me pushing people away. I left before they could. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it brought a lot of pain. 

I never got to talk with my mother about any of it. I received a telegram when I was on Okinawa that she had died on Jan, 20, 1978.  I was days away from 25 and couldn't cry. 

She was 53 and her drinking had finally saved her from her life. 

I think I look like her. 

I miss you, Mom

We Landed In Arkedelphia

 Nov 24, 2020

We landed in Arkedelphia last night. First time I have ever been here and this spectacular sunset was our reward. God, its gorgeous and we are thankful for another safe days travel. We had a close call but Jenny's driving and God's grace saved us. 

Today we travel to Point, Texas and light for a week then head South for the Holidays. We are hoping to be in California by New Years. I hope that everyone will have a blessed day and see the blessings that each new day brings. I love you..Always, Kimmee

Ps. I wanted to add my remark on the thinking rock photo cause It made me feel that home is anywhere I am...

First place I have been with a thinking rock. I sat on it and soaked up all the other writers and artists that have sat on it over the years I have missed my thinking rock at my former home in upstate NY and one was provided for me here. How awesome is that?

 

Lessons From Loss

 I was one of those people that lost everything. I was living in my home in upstate Ny on 83 acres. It was filled with antiques that I had collected over 25 years. I was a Nurse Manager 3 years from being vested in my retirement and then I had the misfortune to get really sick. I couldn't lift a chart, much less work.

 I was married to an alcoholic. I had a 13 yr old still at home and I was 6 months in bed. To keep from losing the house, I dragged myself from that bed and sold my lovely things on Ebay. I sent things to auction then retreated to my bed. I know that my son thought I was going to die and I wondered about that too but high doses of steroids kept me alive. I sold most everything I had over the next few years, including my home that I had bought before I married. It was heartbreaking to watch all of the things I Loved go one by one but it was worse to contemplate that I may not make it.

Disability was not forthcoming for several years. It is their mission to deny disability and they do it with gusto. So much so that I ended up having to live with this one or that one for 8  years. I had run out of options and was facing homelessness but  I had so many Angels help me. They gave me food. They made sure I had a pillow for my head. 

My husband bailed when I could not take care of him and he died a few years into my illness. Finally I did what I did not want too. I asked my oldest and her wife  if I could live with her family and they said yes. I thought it might be temporary but here I am 6 years later. I helped them buy a home, they gave me two beautiful rooms to live in,  disability came through and now retirement. I help them and they help me. 

Make no mistake, there are Angels among us and I am the recipient of several that have helped me live. I sometimes say that becoming ill was the best thing that happened to me. I learned so many valuable lessons. Those that I could count on and those that I couldn't. I Learned that it is not weakness to accept charity but a blessing for both. I learned that we are not an Island and we need each other. 

All those years of taking care of others made it nigh impossible for me to accept help but being ill humbled me and made it necessary for me to ask for help. The pride went out the window for necessity. Sometimes God works in Mysterious ways and we don't see that until we are out of the valley and on the mountain. 

I hope that any valley that you may be in will be over for you and that soon you will be standing on that mountain shouting " I made it" and that it will be some time before you are in that valley again. If you are in that valley, know that it will not last. Learn the lessons that you need to and let go of the rest.  

I love you all and was thinking of how many true Angels I have in my life. Those that send me a card to let me know that they are praying for me. Kidney problems are no picnic but you all make it easier for me and I wanted to thank you for that. Prayers and love for you all. Always, Kimmee

Memories As A Kid of The 50s

 I had so many amazing memories as a kid. Growing up at a movie theater on Saturday night, swimming at Munson on Sunday, driving my dad's ole black chevy truck at 10, straw houses, leaving the house in the morning and roaming daddy's 130 acres. Hiding in the bobcat cave when he left it, catching crawdads by hand, drinking ice cold water from the stream, visiting the Native mounds and feeling its presence. 

But today's kids are going to remember 2025 as the year the white house was torn down, that kids didn't have food or shelter while a ballroom is being built, that boats were being blown up without due process, that if you are a person of color,  you are a target for being put in a concentration canp, that prices and inflation are ridiculous, that school carries the weight of being shot while reading, that people are so mean, that our SC is biased, and that "so called" Christians don't care if we love one another or are safe. Humanity is gone. 

My heart bleeds for the young people of today. I never had the thought I was going to be shot at school. My worst nightmare was Marvin Polk was gonna eat a worm in front of me to watch me squirm. If you know a young person, show them extra kindness right now. They're stressed and maybe afraid.  I never felt like the world was ending or that I had no control in this world of how quickly it was going there. I love y'all. Be kind to one another. 🦋🫂💙

The POW and Bravery

 This isn't a pleasant story today but one I feel led to tell. I've taken care of a lot of Vietnam Vets over the years. One of them told me about being a POW for 5 years. He called me at night so that I could read to him, while he sat in a dark closet. I would keep watch while he slept. He had been tortured so badly and his body wore the scars. When he would give talks at the VA to soldiers that wanted to give up, he always started the meeting by removing his shirt. Some of them wept.

Some of them gained hope that if this man can survive, so can we. This is the lesson for us all. This man who escaped and was free, went back to get the 4 other men in the water. I asked him, "weren't you afraid?" He replied,"there is no bravery without fear." He taught me so much. I only met him once and we just hugged. A man and a nurse. Let's be brave for all those gone now, who fought for us. I love y'all so much. We're gonna make it. 🦋🫂💙 

Skating Car Hop at A&W

 I used to be a skating car hop here in the 60s when I was 16. I still have my skates, but don't use them anymore. This job paid me 50 cents an hr plus I kept all my tips. 

The tips were significant because the Navy base was close by. They made my $58 car payment for my banana yellow 67 Mustang and gave me plenty of spending money. 

I don't have any photos of me skating but they live in my memories. 

Day 6 of Covid and on the mend. Im thankful and I love  y'all. Always, Kimmee.🦋💙🫂

The Year My Dad Died

 The year was 1986. My Dad had been in a motor vehicle accident and was on life support. 

I was in San Jose and had a 1 yr old and a 12 yr old when my sister called me and told me my dad was in a wreck. I was as devastated as I was in 1977, receiving a telegram on Okinawa that said, "Daddy had a stroke. He's expected to make it. Jesus is Lord."   

This 1986 call was different because I could hear the anguish in her voice. I knew that meant that Daddy may not make it. 

My family immediately packed our van for the trip across the country. 

Usually, packing our van up meant that we were going to Monterey overnight or to Point Reyes, but this time, it was a different feel for us. 

We hurried across the US as fast as we could and  went to the Baptist Hospital to see Daddy. 

I was struck by this thin, gaunt man who was my daddy. In my mind, he was always bigger than life with his 6'4" frame, but this time, he looked like he knew that this was it.

He opened his eyes and saw me. I could feel the joy in seeing me jump from his eyes to mine. 

I tried desperately to control my tears, but I knew deep in my heart that this time, daddy wasn't going to make it. 

The next two weeks seemed unreal. The medical staff were angels, and we had been told that he had broken C2 and C3 and would never walk, talk, or breathe on his own. The enormity of those words hit us all hard. There were 5 of the 6 kids present, and a decision had to be made.

We talked to Daddy the whole time, and he was communicating by blinking his eyes. 

One time for No and two times for yes. 

One of us had to ask him the question, and because I had some medical knowledge, I was chosen. 

"Daddy, can you hear me?" Two blinks. 

"Daddy, I have to talk with you about what has happened." 

After my explanation, I asked him. "Daddy, do you want to live this way?"  

One Blink, and I waited for the second one that never came. My daddy was 74 years old and knew that death was coming as soon as they pulled the plug. 

Visitors were only 2 at a time, but when the decision was made and we were all in consensus,  they let us all come in to say goodbye. I'll never forget the tear that slid out of Daddy's eye. I was his lil ole gal, and we would never walk or talk together again.  

One hour after the machines were off, his heart stopped. He was alone with nursing staff, and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for not being by his side. They didn't allow family to witness the death in those days. I'm not sure if they allow it now or not, but I should have asked to be there. 

After the funeral, we made our way back to CA, where I was bereft and grieving. 

The abusive alcoholic had morphed into the best daddy a body could ever have.and I was devastated, crying uncontrollably most days. 

One of those times, I was sobbing and then felt a presence in my room. When I opened my eyes, my daddy and mama stood to the left side of my bedroom. Daddy said, " Don't cry, lil ole gal. I'm with your mama and have no pain."

I can swear that they were as real as you and me standing in my room, and they were happy,  smiling easily as they never had in life. 

I will always miss you, Daddy, and I am so thankful for all those silent lessons that you taught me. Thank you for telling me when I was a kid, that I was smart and was gonna go to college. 

Thank you for working so hard, for so lil money all those years, but most of all, thank you for quitting drinking and for giving me a reason to say, Happy Father's Day. Love always, your lil ole gal. 💙